I decided that blogspot isnt for me, tumblr is far easier and more pleasing to the eye.

http://ratsinthewalls.tumblr.com/

Son of a bitch.

I can't fucking take this. I am not even IN love with you anymore. I don't want you to touch me, be near me, speak to me. You are so fucking paranoid. I can't talk on the phone or text or anything without you asking who it is constantly. I am not your fucking child, and I do not need to be monitored. If you're so fucking scared I am gonna leave you, then you do it first. Stop playing around and stop feeling sorry for yourself. I came here because I love you and wanted to be with you and now you are pushing me away. We have a fucking child together, grow the fuck up, you can't be a kid caring for a kid. Not like you do anything, you don't even know how to discipline out son. Anything he does you just go at him without even figuring out what is wrong. He is a baby. HE IS JUST A BABY. I think I could find him a better father. I have never seen my child so angry all the time. He is a good kid, a smart kid and you are snuffing that out with you "discipline".

I have to get out but I don't know how. I came here with nothing. I am working my ass off. I will never make this fucking mistake ever again. I am better off.

Another quick one.

He always refers to things I do as "trying."

"Why are you trying to act tough?"
"Why are you trying to seem pathetic?"
"Why are are trying to prove this to me?"

Well here's a bit of news for you.

TO YOU I AM ALWAYS "TRYING", NEVER "DOING."
I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO PROVE
ESPECIALLY TO YOU

WHAT I DO IS WHAT IS INSIDE
I HAVE NO REASON
TO MAKE YOU THINK ANYTHING OF ME

WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT I HAVE
NO ULTERIOR MOTIVES
NO DECEPTIVE PLANS

NO REASON TO LIE
NO REASON TO BE FAKE

I KNOW WHO I AM
BUT IT SEEMS THAT YOU DON'T

LOOK DEEPER
COULD IT BE YOU ARE THE ONE
WHO IS INSECURE

YOU DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE
YOU HAVE TO PRETEND

YOU EXPECT THE SAME FROM EVERYONE ELSE
BUT YOU DON'T KNOW
I'M NOT LIKE YOU

GET TO KNOW YOURSELF
AND YOU WILL SEE WHAT IS TRUE

Waiting.

God has a plan for me right? I follow the signs and do what I think is right... and I am still seeing myself in a place that I am walking in circles over and over.

I am starting to think that God's "plan" for me really sucks. I need a plan B.

Waiting, that is all I ever seem to be doing. Waiting to start a job. Waiting for school to start. Waiting to have enough money. Waiting for the next show. Waiting for a friend to call.
I take initiative am and still stuck waiting.

Now.....I won't be a liar. Waiting has paid off for me at times. I tried and waited long enough and Ted finally came around. That is the only good one that I can think of right now.

Being 19 is such an in between age.
Setting the snowflake in motion is much more simple than waiting for the snowball at the bottom of the hill.

Let's start off right.

I need an outlet. I need a blog.

"Listen Up"
BACK OFF
LET ME BREATHE
I'M NOT AS WEAK AS YOU WANT ME TO BE
I HAVE MORE STRENGTH THAN YOU WOULD EXPECT TO SEE

SICK OF BEING TOLD THAT IT'S NOT MY PLACE
SICK OF HAVING DOORS SLAMMED IN MY FACE

SIT DOWN
LISTEN UP
I'M CAPABLE OF DOING WHAT I GOTTA DO
I DON'T NEED ANYTHING FROM YOU!

YOUR HEAD SO FULL OF PRIDE,
WANT TO TAKE CHARGE OF EVERYTHING
LISTEN UP FUCKER

I COULD DO IT ON MY OWN
I COULD DO IT ALONE
I COULD DO IT ON MY OWN
I COULD DO IT ALONE
I COULD DO IT ON MY OWN
I COULD DO IT ALONE

I COULD DO IT AGAIN
AS I HAVE BEFORE
I WILL REACH MY GOALS
I WILL BREAK DOWN THE DOOR

THE DOOR
THE BARRIER IN BETWEEN
WHAT YOU EXPECT
AND WHAT IS REALLY ME

I REFUSE TO BE A PART OF SOMETHING
WHERE I AM AN ABLE PAWN
UNDER A MINDLESS KING